DMER. Four letters. Four letters when put together represent a breastfeeding condition that chances are you haven’t heard about. Why? It’s rarely diagnosed, mistreated for postpartum and mostly because no one talks about it.
Luckily I was able to find answers but I’m sure there is a lot of women who have gone through what I have and weren’t so lucky. Because of that, today I share my story, to try and educate more woman about DMER and bring light to other sufferers to understand you are not alone.
This is my story.
Before my daughter was born, I was so excited to breastfeed. I heard many women talk about the beautiful experience of breastfeeding. How you will never feel such a strong connection, bond, and love with your baby. How there is no greater feeling than to look in each other’s eyes while feeding and its one of the greatest gifts if you are able to do it.
I couldn’t wait. I dreamt about these moments. I bought all the nursing outfits, I read all the books. I was ready.
My baby was born. My milk came in. I was successfully breastfeeding. But something was off.
I wasn’t enjoying it, instead, I was hating it. I felt zero bond and every time she latched I wanted her off of me. It did not feel beautiful, instead, it felt like torture. Each and every time.
I felt in a constant state of panic. I had high anxiety levels that felt like they never went away. My heart would race. I couldn’t relax and constantly felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to eat and it felt almost impossible to relax.
I constantly told myself that maybe this was all-natural. Maybe it was just new mom nerves and with time It would go away.
Well, time went on and the feelings didn’t go away. Instead, they just continued to increase. They would increase to a point where I would be in tears as the anxiety levels were so high it felt unbearable to handle.
I constantly was wondering what was wrong with me. I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it and felt like a horrible mother for feeling the way I did.
I remember the day, I came running downstairs to my husband and said, “This may sound crazy but I think my anxiety is triggered by my breastfeeding. I’m feeding so much, I wasn’t able to make the connection, but it just clicked. Every time I am breastfeeding, its when these panic attacks are coming. I think is physiological, not psychological.“
I booked an appointment with my doctor to ask her if she has ever heard an anxiety condition related to breastfeeding. That I was convinced something wasn’t right with me and these extreme feelings were triggered every time I was feeding. She gave me a hard no and said there was no such thing and went right to the postpartum discussion. I knew in my gut this was not postpartum and something was off. I was determined to figure it out.
I was convinced this was physiological and since I was able to pinpoint the source to feeding, I was convinced it had to do with my hormones. So I booked an appointment with a Naturopath Doctor and that was the best decision I ever made. I remember going in for my consultation appointment and within 5 minutes of sitting down went off into a tandem, ” I don’t have postpartum, I know I don’t. I’m happy. I’m not depressed. Something is wrong with my hormones. I know it. When I breastfeed, it triggers a panic attack. I know it has to do with my milk letdown as It does it when I pump also. It makes me feel like I want to jump through a window. I won’t, don’t worry, but that’s how I feel. Breastfeeding is making me feel crazy. I’m not crazy. I know this sounds crazy. Do you think I’m crazy?”.
Luckily she did not think I was crazy and instead made me feel the most normal I have in a long time. My gut was right, it was hormonal, it did have to do with my letdown and this was when I learned what those four letters DMER meant.
Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, or DMER, is a condition marked by an abnormal chemical and hormonal reaction that causes a brief but abrupt emotional response at milk letdown. A large drop in dopamine occurs when milk is released, causing dysphoria. Dysphoria is defined as negative feelings such as sadness, anxiety, irritability, or restlessness. It’s the opposite of euphoria.
D-MER is like a reflex. It is controlled by hormones and can not be controlled by the mother. She can not talk herself out or control the dysphoria. DMER is not postpartum depression. It seems to be a small chemical reaction that causes a huge emotional reaction.
DMER is a condition that is still largely unrecognized. It tends to be something that is brushed aside or incorrectly treated for postpartum depression in many cases. It also is largely unrecognized as it’s not talked about enough. It’s common for Moms not to want to talk to their providers, family or friends about what they are feeling because they are ashamed.
I get it. I was ashamed too. You have friends and family coming over to meet your new bundle of joy. Everyone is telling you how your “glowing”, how happy they are for you, showering you with love and encouragement. How do you tell them that you feel miserable? That you spend your day wanting to scream at the top of your lungs as you constantly feel like your crawling out of your skin. That you can’t feed your baby and feel love as you are so consumed with pain. You cant. You are ashamed and worried they will think horrible thoughts of you. You think horrible thoughts of yourself because you don’t understand why you feel the way you do. You stay quiet and suffer alone.
This is not ok.
It’s so important we talk and understand you are never alone. In any situation.
DMER is just an example of something that isn’t talked about enough and because of that, many women have never heard of it. Because its a condition not widely known about, many women suffer in silence. They suffer not only through the anxiety but also through the mental pain and shame of not understanding why they feel the way they do.
Finding out about DMER made all the difference as I understood there was nothing wrong with me. Knowing made me feel back in control, not out of control.
I knew when the panic attacks would come, I would be ready for them and I understood why I was having them. I made peace that breastfeeding would never be enjoyable for me and that the experience would be different than most other women. However, I also made the commitment at this time that I wasn’t going to allow it to stop me from breastfeeding. Not all woman have the gift to breastfeed and I wasn’t going to throw away the gift I was still given.
I started to feel proud instead of ashamed. I wasn’t weak, instead, I was strong. I added in supplement feeds for mental breaks throughout the day but I was still able to to make it to 12 months breastfeeding and pumping.
The good news is that most women with DMER, their symptoms usually subside within three to six months. It seems that as the hormones of lactation change as the baby gets older, that causes enough of a shift that the emotional reaction dissipates as well. For myself, at four months things started to slightly get better each month, but it never fully went away until I stopped breastfeeding.
In some cases, DMER can be so severe that it can impair mothers’ ability to breast-feed or just simply function on an everyday basis. For anyone who goes through DMER, it is 100% ok to stop breastfeeding at any time. Remember, a happy and healthy mom makes a happy and healthy baby. The right answer is always what feels right for you.
We all have our own journey. Just remember you should never suffer alone in silence. Being a great mom is doing your best and being your best. That’s it.
To find out more about this condition visit:
https://d-mer.org/
There is also a fantastic facebook support group of Woman all over the world who battle DMER called:
Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) Support Group from d-mer.org
To all the mom outs there, I applaud you. It’s no easy journey but through the good and the bad, it’s 100% the best journey out there!
xo
B